"If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different
drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away."
Excerpt from Walden - essay by Henry David Thoreau, 1854
As I was running on my favorite trail this morning, I played the pass game with a couple of women in their mid- to late-thirties. (The pass game = you pass me, I pass you, and so on.) While running in front of them for a short time, I heard one of the women talking about a friend of hers who lives in Chicago. Here is how the conversation went:
"Some say eat or be eaten / Some say live and let live."
"The Circle of Life" - song by Elton John, 1994
Woman 1: Yeah, there's a big group of us who have gone to the cottage every year. Now we're all married, so all of our kids are getting to do the cottage now, too.
Woman 2: That's so great.
Woman 1: I do have one friend who isn't married, but she still comes along.
Woman 2: She just never got married?
Woman 1: Yeah, and now she never will because she's just too set in her ways.
Woman 2: (Sympathetic noise of agreement.)
Woman 1: We tell her all the time she needs to be on Match.com or eHarmony or one of the Catholic sites, but she won't listen to us. We just keep telling her that she needs to put herself out there or she's never going to meet anyone.
Woman 2: (Some sort of agreement, again.)
Woman 1: So, she's all the kids' "Auntie", and she is good at that. [Said in a patronizing sort of way.]
At this point, I had to walk, so they passed me. Once I worked up a bit more steam, I passed them again, and as I was doing so, this is what I heard:
Woman 1: You know, by that age, everyone has kids.
I think at this point, I walked on purpose so they could pass me and I wouldn't have to hear their "thoughts" on the Adult Checklist any longer. Here's what I wish I could have said:
Me: You know, you aren't doing your single friends a favor when you tell them that they "should" be doing certain things in order to meet someone or unless they do something specific that they "never" will meet anyone. Those ideas are not encouraging or helpful. Furthermore, clearly you see the Adult Checklist as a Rule rather than a Guide. Let's remember that everyone has their own race and their own pace. Just because your race and pace seems to be similar to all of your friends' doesn't mean that this girl's race or pace is obsolete or defective. Give the girl a chance. You seem to think that you know what's going to happen in this girl's life, but you don't really know anything that's going to happen. Life is (hopefully) long and no one knows what is coming down the pike. Even more than that, please don't disparage the role that single people play in your life. Being the "Auntie" is important and being able to come alongside married friends and support them in their race is something that many single people see as a way to be a true friend. How about you turn around and be just as supportive to your friend and stop making her feel like she is going to be an old spinster or like she is settling for second best because she is "just" the "Auntie"? Marriage and motherhood don't make your life better or more valuable than hers.
Okay, rant done. But...seriously. Let this be my Public Service Announcement (like one of those "The More You Know" commercials) about how not to treat your single friends.
*****
Please count this little post as my June contribution, and I'll finish up my technology thread for July. I'm in the process of moving, so it's been hard to sit down and write. But my mind is always working, and I will be back on the writing wagon soon enough. Thanks for your understanding!
