Being Set Up for Failure

"You say it best when you say nothing at all."

"When You Say Nothing at All" - song by Alison Krauss

Sometime in the last year, I was out searching for a gift for my now-six-year-old niece.  (I’ll call her L.)  She had informed my sister-in-law that she wanted a Barbie, and I, being the dutiful aunt, trotted off to Target in an attempt to find the doll L. was dreaming of.  Having no children of my own (and L. being my oldest niece) I haven’t spent a lot of time in the Barbie aisle in the last twenty years.  The last time I even came close to Barbie World was in the 90s when Aqua sang about it.  To be honest, I’m not a huge Barbie fan, and two very strong parts of myself were at war the closer I got to that glittering pink and purple aisle in Target.  Strong part one was the healthy feminist side of myself that rejects the concept of a doll whose body is so completely out of proportion that she’d literally be unable to stand up straight if she were a real person.  Equally-strong part two was the side that really wanted to fulfill my niece’s birthday wish.  I mean, who wants to be the auntie who buys sucky, “I-didn’t-ask-for-this-but-thanks-anyways” presents?  No one.

So there I stood in the Barbie aisle, scanning the shelves.  I don’t remember which doll L. wanted, but it took a little bit of looking before I could find it.  During that searching process was when I saw it…the reason why young women fail in relationships before they even start.  Picture this: a sandy blonde with a tight t-shirt and blue jeans, slight smile on the little plastic face, and the promise of “You make me talk!”.  Except it wasn’t a Barbie.  It was a Ken doll.  Not just any Ken doll, either.  As if “You make me talk!” wasn’t seductive enough, this was “Sweet Talkin’ Ken” and the back of his box informed me of what else he had to promise:  “Record your voice.  I say it back in mine” and “Press my heart to record your message.”  Then it finished with this load of crap blatant lie epigram: “The ultimate boyfriend always knows the right thing to say!”  I think I must have read and re-read this particular toy box three or four times before I actually processed what I was seeing.  It was sort of one of those moments when you’re saying to yourself, “There’s no way I read that right…Maybe it means something different than what it says?...Nope…I think it’s serious.”  Once I determined that Mattel actually wanted little girls to believe this statement, I took a picture with my digital camera to permanently record the travesty, and began mentally cataloguing the ramifications of the existence of a doll such as this one.  (Oh, and I still bought L. the doll she wanted.  I felt better about good ol’ misogynistic, impossible-body-standard Barbie after seeing “Sweet Talkin’ Ken.”)

Perhaps you’re wondering why I was so appalled that day in Target.  If you are, you might want to stop reading this blog post now, because it’s most likely not going to get any clearer to you by doing so.  I’m assuming you’re also someone who felt sorry for Kim Kardashian when she got divorced for the second time.  Those of you who are reading this with your mouth hanging slightly open, read on.

Any twenty or thirty-something woman can attest to the fact that the man-woman game has changed drastically in our lifetime.  From my own observations, I believe there are many reasons for this, including (but not limited to) the rise of technology, the feminist movement, pop culture (along with the media’s portrayal of men and women), and the sexual revolution.  In her book Manning Up: How the Rise of Women Has Turned Men into Boys, Kay Hymowitz discusses many of these factors, as well.  However, she focuses most specifically on America’s growth as a knowledge economy and the fact that women are more naturally suited for this type of economic model.  Because our country encourages young people to be as educated as possible (dare I say, overeducated?), Hymowitz asserts that human beings are no longer going from adolescence to adulthood, but are instead spending some time in what she likes to call “pre-adulthood.”  She writes, “Not so long ago, average mid-twentysomethings, both male and female, had achieved most of the milestones of adulthood: high school diploma, financial independence, marriage, and children.  These days, they hang out in a novel sort of limbo, a hybrid state of semi-hormonal adolescence and responsible self-reliance.”  Hymowitz also posits that “[a]mong preadults, women are the first sex.  Women graduate from college in greater numbers than men, with higher grade point averages; more extracurricular experiences, including study abroad; and as most professors tell it, more confidence, drive, and plans for the future.  They are aggressively independent; they don’t need to rely on any man, that’s for sure.”

I could argue that this is a change from how society is typically portrayed – as a male-dominated place working as hard as possible to squelch female excellence.  Because the message from society is that women are still oppressed, I feel sometimes that I have a responsibility to my fellow suffering sisters to stand up for womanhood and be as assertive and independent as possible.  If you asked women whether or not they have achieved equality with men, I think most would say no.  While I would never suggest that the glass ceiling has been shattered or that young women are presented with positive female role models in society (the same way that young men are), I can say confidently that I have grown up in a time when there are more opportunities for women than any other time in history.  Women can, with some exceptions, set any goal they desire and achieve it.  Contrast this with the fact that most of my girlfriends who are single are always on the lookout – secretly or not-so-secretly – for Mr. Right.  I know very few single adult women who don’t want to become wives and mothers sometime in the next three to five years.  This seems like a contradiction.  I believe this contradiction can be attributed to the fact that the part women play in society is still nebulous.  From an early age, we are expected to change and adapt to whatever we’re given in life.

Men also have a bit of confusion when it comes to where they stand in today’s society.  Hymowitz discusses this as well.  She writes, “Young men are not showing the same focus or resilience that supervisors and professors notice among women.  This is not the case for all men by any means.  Plenty of guys graduate college with a resume to rival or surpass the most enterprising…girls.  But there is a large and prominent group of men who hit their twenties and seem unsure what’s expected of them…Men have been struggling with finding an acceptable adult male identity since at least the mid-nineteenth century.”  This lack of direction, according to Hymowitz, leads to the “child-man” and “widespread cultural uncertainty about men”, a phenomenon only “aggravated by preadulthood.”  Because the young women of today grow up in a society where they outrun men and don’t really need them to run in the first place, “provider husbands and fathers are now optional, and the character qualities men had needed to play their role [of provider husbands and fathers]—fortitude, stoicism, courage, fidelity—are obsolete and even a little embarrassing.”  Men are told that they are useless so they become useless.  This isn’t rocket science.  I am sure there are some women reading this who would still argue that men have it made, and therefore they don’t have to do as much to have the same opportunities that we ladies work very hard for.  On some level I would agree.  However, I also think most women (and men!) would agree that “behind every great man is a great woman.”  I don’t believe it’s a stretch to say that we make men better people, but while we’re told that we don’t need men, what if they need us?

What’s the result of all this? – “[a] not-very-promising background for preadult men and women as they look for sex and love...Women say guys are immature, uncivil, and utterly unfathomable…Men grouse about women who can’t decide if they want equality or chivalry…Once men and women are equals, many of the old rules of dating don’t make sense anymore.”  And we come full circle, back to “Sweet Talkin’ Ken.”  Here are my issues with him.

First of all, the fact that girls can record what they want to hear and then Ken says it back in his voice just reinforces an insidious message I hear in our country right now that men are weak and cannot act for themselves.  Maybe I’m overreacting, but this particular Ken's first message to little girls across America is that they can (and should) get men to say what they want.  It’s sort of like when I was in 6^th grade and I had my first boyfriend, Sean.  My best friend and I were out at the mall and saw a really cute necklace that said “I <3 U” on it.  What did we do?  We bought it.  Why?  So that Lauren could give it to Sean and he could give it to me.  What was this?  The beginning of a string of unhealthy relationships where I tried to manipulate men into saying what I wanted to hear and doing what I wanted them to do instead of just letting them be themselves.  Do they say stupid things when they talk?  Of course.  But do they say an equal number of sweet, smart, funny things?  If we give them the chance to, yes.  (Don’t even get me started on the fact that in order to manipulate Ken into telling you how great you are, you have to press his heart.  To me, that’s one of the worst parts.)

The second offense I find with Mr. Ken is that he is called “Sweet Talkin’ Ken.”  What father says to his daughter, “Honey, find yourself the sweet talkin’ kind of man.  He’s the one who’s going to make your dreams come true”?  In reality, the “sweet talkin’” guys are often the ones who bring us the most heartache.  A therapist told me once that many men who can say the right thing at the right time are also very shallow and all about appearances.  They find it important to say the right thing rather than being honest or genuine.  I believe there’s an old saying that goes, “Shallow brooks babble the loudest.”  Let’s apply that in this situation, shall we?  (And really, let’s apply it to people everywhere…no man bashing going on here.  I love men.  J)  If they can sweet talk you, it’s probably because they have lots of practice.  If they have lots of practice, it probably means that they’ve played some women in their time.  If they’ve played some women in their time, they will most likely play you, too.  So, when it’s all said and done, I’m not sure I want 8-year-old girls across America seeing “Sweet Talkin’ Ken” as a paragon of male behavior.  Once again, do the non-sweet-talkin’ guys sometimes say stupid things?  Yes, but at least they are usually being genuine.  Now, I recognize that there’s probably no market for “Debt Free Ken” or “Treats His Mother Right Ken” or "Takes Out the Garbage Ken", but for the love of Pete…can’t we encourage girls to find a man who does more than says the right thing?

Finally, probably my biggest problem with this Ken doll is the statement “The ultimate boyfriend always knows the right thing to say!”.  While I am a woman who is looking for a man who can say the right thing (mostly because I have so much to say…ha!), I have also come to realize that sometimes they don’t say the right thing.  I used to teach high school, and the kids always knew they could get me off on a tangent about chick movies and how damaging they are to both women AND men.  I think the reasons why romantic movies (or books) can be hurtful to women are pretty obvious – the belief in the guaranteed happy ending, the idea that relationships can (and should) be fixed quickly and easily, the only happy ending is a wedding or an epic kiss, etc., etc., etc.  However, the ways that these movies and books are hurtful to men are often overlooked but just as damaging.  After a steady dose of these movies, women come to expect some things from men that they may not be able to deliver.  Not because they are worthless or bad guys but because no one could deliver what these movies promise.  Sometimes, he won’t call back or show up or say what you want to hear.  In fact, he may have something to say, but it may be the completely wrong thing to say.  He most likely won’t knock on your door wearing a wife-beater, rain sliding down his bulging bicep muscles, flowers in hand and apology not far behind.  He might let you go.  And that has to be okay.  We’ve created a society where men cannot choose to walk away from relationships (in a healthy way) without being labeled quitters or deadbeats.  Sometimes, they do make an honest effort to make a relationship work, but it’s not good enough because it’s not how Ryan Gosling would have done it.

Now, does this excuse bad behavior?  Of course not.  Not in any way, shape, or form do I sanction abusive, unkind, or damaging behavior.  Furthermore, it takes the mutual work of both a man and a woman to make a relationship work properly.  Men, like women, should make a concerted effort.  And – call me old-fashioned – but I believe men should be the ones initiating any kind of relationship.  Men are the rocks of relationships if you let them be that.  Sadly, though, as long as we have a generation of little girls growing up believing that Ken will say just what they want to hear; that those words are more important than a good character or a promising future; and that the most important thing to look for in a boyfriend is that he always knows the right thing to say, women will struggle to find healthy relationships.

Maybe what struck me the most about "Sweet Talkin' Ken" is that when it's all said and done, simply saying the right thing isn't the key to a long, healthy relationship.  One of the things I've learned from watching the many functional relationships in my family and friends is that it really isn’t what’s said that makes a relationship last.  So often, it’s what isn’t said.